Dating Guidelines

Until a recent turn of events, I had forgotten that I was compiling a list of things that I have learned while navigating the dating world. A few of these points are probably obvious for some people, but I had to learn to incorporate them in my dating life--the hard way.

1. Do not be afraid to ask questions. Divulge enough information to peak the male's curiosity.

2. Leave enough/proper healing time between relationships. The comparison between two men shouldn't be so grand to the point where the old guy is "missed" and the new guy doesn't measure up.

3. Listen to inner voice-ESPECIALLY early on. If random thoughts occupy the mind, there could be substance to it.

4. Don't be too guarded or allow the guard to fall too soon. If guard is coming down too fast, scale back some. Allow the guard to lower once #2 has been put in place.

5. Be wary of flatterers. These types will/can prey on a woman's innermost desires, use that against her, and leave her with the broken pieces to put together again.

6. Do no curtail personal expectations of a man in exchange for mediocre shit they will try and get away with.

7. Don't compromise values for temporary moments with an unwilling man.

8. Practice abstaining from sex during the courting phase.

9. Study a man's interactions with others for clues about his character that he may not verbalize.

10. Work at maintaining friendships because a romantic relationship isn't guaranteed.

11. Never take responsibility for the fault(s) of others.

From his tweet to my thoughts

Recently, I saw a tweet that stated, "trust and believe...the groupies that chase entertainers, ruin it for the ones who want a real woman" & "most decent women wouldn't date a rapper...just because...he's a rapper". The tweet got me thinking about the rappers' music that I listen to and it seems to be a recurring theme about expressing the desire for a girlfriend. Not the typical subject in many rap tracks.

I'd like to offer a response (more of an affirmation) to the first tweet: SO TRUE! Too often, entertainers are surrounded by people who want something from them. The groupie is probably the most proactive person on the list of "users" that people with any type of clout will come across. In her, there resides a thirst that can't be satisfied by anyone of normal standing. She will attach herself, like a leech, to men who range from those on the come-up to established individuals that are known to have wives and families. Knowing that women like this exist, male entertainers are always on guard (especially with matters of their hearts). It's not an easy task in figuring out who appreciates you, as if you are broke.

The next tweet is something that I'd never thought about on my own...but I do believe that it is somewhat true. Regardless of what anyone says, I believe that being the girlfriend, fiance, or wife of a male entertainer requires thick skin and the understanding that he may not be on his best behavior. Let's face it, if Jamal who works a blue collar job is capable of juggling a girlfriend, and two side chicks...there's no way a man who gets pussy thrown in his face everytime he looks around is gonna turn it down. For the most part, men are not built to resist temptation for the rest of his days. Depending on one's definition of "decent", this particular woman may not be willing to put up with a rapper's ways. Unfortunately this leaves thirsty groupies (whom I will dub as leeches) in a large pool occupied by other leeches.

There are times when I refer to myself as a groupie but it's all in jest. My groupie status is more on an intellectual level. If someone has stimulated my mind through his craft, I'm more inclined to keep up with his career. I'd never allow myself to compromise my morals or sexuality for a night's passion with a rapper or fool myself into thinking that my "tricks" will have me falling head over heels. There's always someone out there who can do what I've done and better. Although the possibilities seem to be few, I hope that those rappers expressing that they want unrequited love do in fact find what they are looking for. Isn't that what we all want regardless of our status?

Oh no he DIDN'T!

Today is Valentine's Day and I was greeted with one of the most unromantic text messages at 3:30 this morning. Several months ago, I was involved in a budding relationship with a guy I'd known since middle school. There were some events that occurred between us and it resulted in a mutual understanding that we would go our separate ways (as of February 4). So when my sleep was interrupted by:

"As hard as you try you can't just write me off and you know it"

I was taken aback by it but immediately went back to sleep. When I awoke for the day, I knew what my plan of action was in reference to the text...IGNORE!!! In no way did I want to entertain or give him the satisfaction of a reaction by responding to such a statement. Ever since we last spoke, I had never reached out to him in an attempt to initiate a dialogue. From my perspective, we were clear about the roles that we would play out each other's lives. It is clear to me that it hasn't been very easy for him to cope without me being a part of his life.

~You don't know what you had, until it's gone~

Being a notch in your belt, is not enough for me

As a woman, I believe that there is a natural desire to be the object of a man's affection. I can speak candidly on this because ever since I could remember, I have always wanted to be considered a beauty by the opposite sex's standard. As an adolescent, it is difficult to understand the complexities that may arise as a result of being considered a "dime". Having gone through that period and collected some experiences along the way, I've concluded that being beautiful just isn't enough for me.

I am the culmination of many things and they include intelligence, a loving nature, grace, style, poise, and respect. Most of these ingredients are hard to find in a person, especially bundled together. Because I know that what I possess is a rarity, I can be selective of who reaps the benefit of my company. That being said, if you are a guy and you're only after One Thing, please do not waste my time or yours by stepping to me.

If you're confused, please refer to the title...

Surviving Snowpocalypse and Snowmageddon

Living in the DMV area has brought me the great fortune of experiencing a historical moment in the early part of 2010. This past weekend/week our region was bombarded with an average of 55 inches of snow. Because I hail from the South, any amount of snow has the potential to make me anxious. In preparation for the blizzards, I shopped at my local grocery store and for the first time in my life, I filled the entire space of the buggy!! I mean with the weather men/women saying that we could be stuck in our homes anywhere from 3 - 5 days, I had to be prepared! In addition to food, I was supposed to purchase my first snow shovel as well, but I wasn't so lucky in that department. Since there is public transportation all around, I didn't worry about that too much. Below I am going to give a synopsis of my days spent during what could be considered one of the most exciting times in my life.

Friday, Feb. 5, 2010
I arrived at work at 7:30am anticipating that my company would allow us to leave early and ahead of the snowstorm that was said to begin at 10am. To my delight, we were allowed to leave at 12 noon. Once I got on my side of town, I went to the grocery store one last time in order to get my addiction-SODA!

Around 3pm, I was mentally preparing myself for what was to come about during the weekend. As I was fixing lunch, I checked the status of my Chemistry.com matches and found that a bona fide, SEXY (and smart) man had checked out my profile and noted that he was interested in me. After going through the various levels of "communicating" that the website has setup, we began emailing one another and he sent his number so that I could call him. These days I am more of a texter than a talker and felt a bit uncomfortable making that first phone call. I told him that I had to watch my minutes and that I preferred to text until they were free. He agreed, and we began texting one another. From our text session, he suggested that he come over to my place or vice versa so we wouldn't spend the weekend alone. With that suggestion, I became a bit uncomfortable and igged him for the remainder of the night.

Saturday, Feb. 6, 2010
I awoke to a steady stream of snow that would continue into the late part of the night. One of my homegirls told me that her power had gone out on Friday night and I felt so helpless since I couldn't help her out.

Admittedly before I went to bed, I felt kind of bad by ignoring "Sexy" and decided to call him. Once I did, I found out that his power had gone out around 2 am and he was frustrated from digging his car out for 5 hrs and being cold. He adamantly stated that he wasn't going to remain at his house while the power was out. I didn't talk with him a whole lot for the remainder of the day. I would have rather been exposed to his personality outside of being in a messed up situation. Oh yeah, he threw in the fact that he wouldn't be in this situation had he been on my side of town. My thoughts? Sorry boo, couldn't help you there...you could be a serial killer, rapist, etc.

Sunday, Feb 7, 2010
It's the third day since the storm started, and I was lucky that my power was still on. By this time, friends and family were calling to check on me to see how I was coping with the storm. (I felt so loved!) Most of my Sunday was spent keeping items in their respective place in my apartment. Since I was cooped up and had to continuously look at my space, I wanted everything to be clean and neat. Any other time, I would be too tired or busy to constantly tidy up. In that respect, I appreciated the storm and besides, I've been known to stay in my apartment all weekend so this was a piece of cake for me.

I spoke with Sexy again today and he was in a better mood. He mentioned that he would like for us to meet up if I didn't have to report to work on Monday and I agreed. I must mention that he was doing a very noble thing by taking a friend of his to get his medication. This deed superceded the other things he'd done that had me looking at him with the crooked eye.
Monday, Feb. 8, 2010
I decided to get out of my apartment and walk to my local grocery store for a couple items. For my walk, I wore some regular black sneakers instead of my rainboots. That was a BIG mistake! My socks and feet got wet from the slush on the ground not to mention the cars that drove by spraying more water on me. As I was walking, this guy stopped and tried to holla at me but I could tell he wasn't my type. I stopped in my tracks until he proceeded to drive on.

After I returned to my apartment, I texted one of my homegirls about Sexy and she responded with, "Really? I just spoke with a Sexy, lol". My response, "Nooooo...not from ________?" She confirmed that it was in fact the same guy and we had to laugh at the fact that this was the 2nd time this had happened to us. I told her that this solidifies the fact that the pickings are slim around our area. She agreed to fall back since we began communicating first (plus she knows I'm on Empty in terms of my prospects).

Like clockwork, Sexy texted me asking whether or not I still wanted to meet up. I told him that it was fine but my car was still buried and public transit wasn't conducive for time. Like a crazy person, I suggested that he pick me up and he agreed. He arrived at my apartment around 5:30 and we went downtown and ate at Noodles & Company. The date was pleasant for both of us and when we were walking back to the car, I did something that I RARELY do...Held Hands!!! Typically I don't do this (or even like holding hands) but since we were vibing, it was appropriate. When he dropped me off, we gave each other a hug and kissed. I could have taken it there by mauling his face but I didn't because if you don't start nothing, won't be nothing.

Tuesday, Feb. 9, 2010
I was still feeling restless today and walked to the same shopping center from the previous day. This time I needed to get my eyebrows waxed, so I was hoping that the salon was open. When I saw all of the activity taking place in the plaza, I knew I was in luck. As the lady began to wax my eyebrows, she asked if I wanted to get my whole face done for Valentine's Day. At this point, I'm used to them asking that question so it didn't bother me. (P.S. I do remainder of my facial removal at home). What DID bother me was her assumption that I was doing something "special" for Valentine's. This is my least favorite "holiday" because it's just a rub in the face for those of us who don't have a boo. Ah well...she cleaned my eyebrows up and I was on my merry way. Since I was around Sears, I decided to go in there to see if they happened to have a shovel so I could begin digging myself out. Needless to say they didn't. On my walk back, Sexy called me (he had gone to work and was chillin in his office).

Wednesday, Feb. 10, 2010
I'm still off from work but I'm not missing it at all. I just want the opportunity to be able to get around town. My grocery shopping trip didn't let me down because I still have enough food to keep me from starving. Twice over this mini-vacation, I cooked a favorite meal of mine, salmon and rice. While it was good, the scent got in my clothes and lingered in my apartment. Even with people's advice of pouring some drops of lemon juice (in my case lime juice) in it to kill the smell, it didn't work! I don't think I'm going to ever cook salmon as long as I stay in this apartment. With my keen sense of smell, it's too much. Plus walking around smelling like fish is NOT the business!

Thursday, Feb. 11, 2010
Today may be my last day all to myself and tomorrow may be the day that I have to report back to work :-( Most people probably WANT to go back to work, but I'm a part of the minority who is fine just hanging around. All-in-all, this wasn't a bad experience and I can say that I met an interesting guy during what will undoubtedly be a historical time in our lives. Let's see how things play themselves out during normalcy.

good eats, good company, good times

Last night, I spent the evening with my girls at a swanky restaurant in DC called Oya. To say that I had a good time would be an understatement! I loved the atmosphere upon entering the establishment and everyone looked young, fresh, and put together in their attire. The crowd was a mixture of couples and groups of friends out for an easy-going evening (it was raining all day).

The reason that we decided to be patrons of Oya is because of Restaurant Week that took place in DC the past several days. There was a special to purchase a 3 course meal for $35. Bargainistas like us couldn't pass up a great deal like that! I must say that I was pleasantly pleased with my choices. For an appetizer, I got chicken skewers...entree', Asian salmon....dessert, strawberry sorbet. While the portions were small, it didn't matter to me because I sampled everyone's food :-) At the end of the evening, I was content but not stuffed.

Because I am a "people watcher", I observed a double date taking place at a table near us. One of the couples seemed to be familiar with one another, while the other couple appeared to have been set up. The double date stuck out to me because one of the ladies was almost a foot taller than her date. To strengthen the height differential, she was a really thin girl. Unfortunately she was acting like she didn't want to be there. Seeing her mannerisms, I now vow to become more aware of how I act on future dates. I don't want to seem snobbish as she appeared.

Back at our table, us girls discussed career plans (CPA, MBA classes, etc.), Valentine's Day, and of course...B-O-Y-S!! Surprisingly, they weren't on the receiving end of freshly, sharpened verbal daggers. However, can't promise the same results the next time we're together ;-)

Jungle Fever…is it a Disease??

I’ve been reading Hill Harper’s book entitled The Conversation which centers on the current state of Black relationships. It should go without saying that with each new chapter, my mind goes in a whirl spin of my personal thoughts regarding the content. One chapter in particular has prompted me to put my thoughts on paper about interracial dating.

I want to give a preface on how I have evolved in my way of thinking about this phenomenon that was thrust into America’s social culture via the movie Jungle Fever. At a young age, I was a firsthand witness to this type of love because my maternal uncle married a white woman. To dispel some myths about the kind of people they are, my uncle met her while they were both serving in the Army during the 80’s. He is a tall, dark, and very handsome man while she is a beautiful woman of average height (5’6”), proportionate in shape, dirty blonde hair, and blue-green eyes. So basically their physical traits are not your stereotypical busted black man with an even more torn down white woman. During my pre-adolescent years, I was fortunate enough to be around them (and their daughter) to witness what kind of relationship they had without the interjections of grown folk. What I took away from having been around them was the appreciation for the ebb and flow of their relationship. It worked for them and didn’t bother me at all. In fact, I consider her my favorite aunt hands down (despite the fact that they are now divorced).

If you fast forward to my teen years, it was during this time period that I began to really understand the depth of people’s discomfort with a black man-white woman relationship (notably black women). I have to admit that I let those ideals affect my own conclusion about the idea of interracial relationships. I adopted a new way of thinking about seeing a black man desert his “own kind” to be with a lily white girl.

Sitting here in current day, in my mid-twenties, I can now say that I have my own way of thinking in terms of jungle fever. Personally, I am in no way interested in dating outside of my race (hence my entry on Jury Duty) and it’s because o f superficial reasons or a thought process imposed on me by others. Simply put, I am a person who has strong convictions and what some may characterize as conspiracy theories as to how this world operates. That being said, some of the things I may say, joke about, or believe would not be conducive to an interracial relationship. It may not be pretty but it is a truth that I understand and would need my lifelong partner to “identify” with me on some of those levels.

To tie this entry in a nice politically-correct bow, I would like to mention a conversation that I had with a male friend last night. He posed the question, “With all of the obvious disadvantages of being a black man, what is the advantage of being a black man?” I told him that while it is a bit twisted, the advantage of being a black man is the envy that other races have of you. It is in my humble opinion that black men exude strength that spills over into every aspect of their being; others recognize this and do not want the potential that resides within to be fully realized. This strength combined with my spirit is what I want to pass down to my future children. Undeniably, offspring with an inner core such as that would be a formidable force.